DEVELOPMENTS Part I

Last night, Bloggiana and I were about to sit down and tuck into our usual evening feast of Gok Wan Dresses the World, Pinot Grigio, roll-ups and stilton. Our Dog had taken up his favoured position in the middle of the sofa. A pan full of chutney was belching brownly on the Expensive Cooker. The wind was howling through the parlour, causing the pile of Sunday papers lying on the floor to rustle melodically….

…when there came a loud banging on our back door. Bollocks, expleted Bloggiana, for the knock had disturbed her equilibrium and made her spill some PG, thereby extinguishing her roll-up. Who in the name of Jehovah’s Witnesses...? she barked, popping in a ritz biscuit and glowering furiously at the door. Awwwoooo, said Our Dog, joining in for good measure.

To ease the general fandango, I leapt out of my bucket seat and opened the door – and there, on the doorstep, in the horizontal rain, wearing a silver faux leather hat, an ankle-length sunburst yellow plastic raincoat and high red waders was Mrs Dottyella Nosy-Neighbour. Mrs Nosy-Neighbour, I exclaimed, what can I do for you? At this, Mrs N-N, requiring no second invitation, marched in and plonked herself wetly in my place.

Well, she said, you’ll never guess what. By now Bloggiana’s mouth was full of crackers and as she responded with a wry No, a small shower of biscuit cascaded across the table and glued itself to Mrs N-N’s raincoat. Well, she said again a trifle testily, well, have you heard the latest?

Now I have to admit that Mrs Nosy-Neighbour is not the first person Bloggiana and I would give our full attention to. For one thing, she dresses like a character out of the Wizard of Oz. For another, she is the World’s Most Studious Gossip. And for a third, we simply can’t stand her. So when she began rabbiting on about something she referred to as developments, I have to admit further that I turned to my glass, allowed a soft, woolly feeling to come over my ears and slipped into a kind of TV torpor, nibbling surreptitiously on as many crackers as I could lay my hands on without seeming dreadfully greedy.

On and on and on Mrs Nosy-Neighbour went. Words such as gateway lurched towards us. Words such as synergy and showcase and partnership and project and fungible. There were phrases too – social inclusion was one, action initiative, community enhancement, much-needed regeneration... My TV torpor was on course to become TV somnia. Bloggiana had chain munched so much stilton I could see tears coming out of her eyes. Even Our Dog had grown bored of the whole thing and retired to the corner to sniff at will at his undercarriage.

Then slowly I realised the atmosphere was undergoing a turnaround. For out of Mrs Nosy-Neighbour’s mouth there started to emit sentences which no one, not even dyed-in-the-wool Nosy-Neighbour ignorers like us, could ignore. One above all stood out. “When not in use as a livestock auction mart, the much-needed facility will be used to provide an indoor exhibition venue for local, regional and national events.”

Well fuck me, said Bloggiana wiping a stilton tear from her eye and perking up all at once. Stupidest idea I think I’ve ever heard of. Mrs Nosy-Neighbour, it’s time you and I joined forces.

Mrs Nosy-Neighbour’s silver hat shimmered in pleasure at the conquest.